In lieu of class today, I would like you to read the rough rough drafts of the writers on your team and post a comment here providing them with an initial response to their draft. (Basically, post a comment here to each writer, and make sure you make it clear in your comment who you’re writing to.)
First, tell them what you like so far about what they’ve written. What seems promising or interesting to you about their piece? Second, what questions do you have or could you pose about their piece? Include three questions that might help them evolve their argument as they continue to draft over the weekend. Last, identify at least one outside source that you think might provide them with a compelling appeal to extrinsic evidence and include it in your comment.
Joey,
ReplyDeleteFirst, my favorite part of this piece so far is the description of the man downtown; it is very visual and vivid and instills different feelings in the reader. One of these feelings is sadness for the man, but the other is a little anger because of the state that, by the end of the description, the reader knows the person could control. However, it is a little unclear for a while in this section what exactly this man’s problem is. At first it may seem he is homeless and dying of a chronic illness. I would perhaps throw in some obvious clues so as to give the reader a definite sense of what this man is doing. For example, “A syringe with a bent and slightly rusted needle lays in his near-lifeless hand. You see the small red dots and bruises in the crook of his arm where the very same syringe plunged an escape from reality into his depleted veins.” If you add something like this, it could make it more vivid and clear to the reader his problem rather than having to state it specifically in the next paragraph.
I like how straight forward you are with the points you want to make, i.e. “This man is a drug addict. He has a serious problem that needs to be dealt with.” The straight forwardness is good, just be sure not to over do it.
These are questions you may already be planning to answer later in the piece, but for now here are a few questions:
1- What makes drug rehab centers effective?
2- Is there an existing problem with rehab centers that needs to be fixed so that improvements to effectiveness can be made?
3- What sort of taxes are we paying to go towards rehab centers? (if you can’t find this, maybe this section gets eliminated)
4- Although it seems pretty obvious, what is the big problem with drug addiction? (explain what sort of problems an addict can run into)
Here is a source that gives a lot of information on drug rehab centers and
could be helpful: http://www.nida.nih.gov/Infofacts/treatmeth.html
Chris-
ReplyDeleteI really like what you have written so far, especially how you are conversational in the tone of your writing. You are forward in your opinion as well which is especially persuasive to the reader. The argument you have chosen is very relevant in terms of kairos because oil is such a tremendous aspect of our society. Drilling is extremely controversial these days with the shortage of natural resources too and you address that well. The overall topics you discuss are good and your ideas are precise. Just a nitty gritty comment, the structuring of your sentences need some work. They are awkwardly worded but that’s an easy fix. Other than that, you seem knowledgeable of the subject and are on the right track for your blog. Questions I would like to pose are: will you be able to find enough extrinsic proof to support your claims? Is there enough you can write simply on drilling to cover 5 pages? How do you plan to intertwine information about the oil industry, oil drilling, and the impact on our economy? A good outside source for you might be this article in the Denver Post http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_14790694
Xiaoting-
Do you have a draft yet?
Renee,
ReplyDeleteThe statistics that you brought to the table are phenomenal, As well as the opening bullets. They really strengthen your argument, and helps elicit some anger out of your audience. As I’m typing this I feel mad at the way people brush this act off so casually. Your style also helps in augmenting the audience’s understanding of how you feel about this subject. This helps the audience relate with you, too.
I’m interested to see how this paper fleshes out. I know it sucks, but I don’t have much bad to say about it, aside from add more to it (which is inevitable).
Also, sorry I don’t have a website for you. The website you gave to me is great! Thank you so much for that.
Let me know if there’s more that I can do to help.
Regards,
Joey
Renne:
ReplyDeleteI really like your draft! It is persuasive and logical! First you lists out what people could think about when they heard “Rape”. Then you gave us the statistics about the rape. The best part is the story that you provide. It is really applied to pathos, and I think it makes the reader really wants to keep reading. You probably can write about how we can lower the rape rate, or how the whole society can do with it. I know it is a draft, so you might work on your ending later. Looking for your final draft.
Cailiu
Joey:
ReplyDeleteI like the way you describe the man you saw in downtown. This gives the reader a picture of how the people who addict to drug looks like. However, you probably can give your experience on it, so that can apply to ethos more deeply. The third paragraph that you point out the man is a drug addict. I think it is better you put the definition before you point out the man is a drug addict because it might be make more sense. Also, I think you could write something about how the society can do with these people and why we should care about this issues. Over all, this is a good draft. Looking for your final draft.
Cailiu
Shelby,
ReplyDeleteI like how you immediately start focusing on Colorado. That makes your post very relevant in our society and for your audience. That focus helps to make your claim much stronger. You already have a lot of outside sources which is good but I think you can balance that with your claim more. The way that you bring up fairness and discuss fairness is something that you can flesh out more and I am interested to see what direction you go with this paper.
Jenn,
The use of the seminar was a good example and I think it really strengthened your paper. Also your use of facts is very helpful to your paper and your claim. You have a lot of sources already but I think that you are not focusing on Colorado enough so it isn't as in contact with our society.
Dish:
ReplyDeleteSo far I like the list of the common jobs immigrants hold. You appeal to them but also appeal to the reader by not stereotyping them. You do a good job of talking about the negative and positive effects of immigrants in the economy. If the effects of immigrants in the economy are positive, then why does the general public look down on immigrants? What kind of evidence could you use to support your argument of immigrants being positive to society? An outside source that might help appeal to extrinsic evidence could be one on how immigrants are paying taxes, just not through their name. Statistics might help with how much they pay or how many jobs they hold in the US. Overall, good start on your paper.
Jenn:
I think you did a good job on introducing your topic. I like how you used your personal experiences about the meeting you went to with the two immigrants. It showed a first-hand experience on both your thoughts on the issue and the thoughts and lives of the immigrants present. What other kind of evidence could you use? The presentation is a good one, but hard evidence such as an article could help further your argument as well. Also, how does the Arizona SB 1070 bill have to do with the state of Colorado? I know they are trying to pass a similar law in Colorado, so state how exactly it relates. I do not have any articles in general, but try to find an editorial or article of some sort that talks about the Kairos of the bill. Good start so far on your paper!
To Dish,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your last sentence of your third paragraph. This sentence was very intelligent and a strong sentence to finish your paragraph with. I also think you have good points for where your argument is going. I like the paragraph about the stereotypical tone. I think that you may want to more clearly state your opinion on your argument so that the reader definitely knows how you feel.
Questions:
What other point’s do you think you will make to support your argument?
Who is your audience?
Do you think that you could gather more extrinsic evidence to support your argument?
To Shelby,
I like how you used a lot of outside sources to support your argument. I think you could use some more explanation to go along with your extrinsic evidence. Make sure you clearly state your stand on your argument, so make sure your audience knows whether you are in favor of the Dream Act or against it. I think you make some good points. I think it is good that you focused on Colorado specifically.
Cailie,
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job at stating a lot of facts and proving you point. You do a great job about persuading the reader to agree with you as well.
Harrison,
You have got a great start to your piece of writing. You used some very good outside ideas and sources.You need to focus more on Colorado though.
Sophie, after reading this piece I am getting a feel for the paper you are going to write. Like any rough draft there is work to be done, but this is a good start. There are some simple grammar errors, as well as some sentences that seem to run on. They are good, just don’t ramble your ideas. Get to the point, tell me what your paper is going to be about. You can defend your points later. This is really good and I cant wait to see the final result.
ReplyDeleteCailie,
ReplyDeleteI thought you did a really nice job collecting your thoughts, and putting them into one cohesive idea. I thought you also did a really good job of backing up all of your claims with facts that supported your general idea.
Jeremy,
In reading your paper, I thought you did a really good job of creating a sense of purpose. It seemed like you were really writing with a purpose and cared about what you were talking about. Also, I was impressed with the way you wrote your paper, its unorthodox and interesting. You write the whole thing, then break it up into clear paragraphs.